Crossroads

Well I was wondering when this time would come. I am at the crossroads. Today, I am feeling the pangs of wanting more than this. And what I mean by “this” is my business. Having done it for nearly 10 years now, I am beginning to feel the signs of wanting to move on, which may mean letting go of the entire operation or expanding into something else. As an artistic person I’ve never felt joy at this ‘job’, which is very much a ‘job’ since I basically fell into it out of necessity. I did and do however, love the idea that at my job I am the boss and I control everything. Then again, I’m also responsible and when walls come crashing down I need to fix it, not to mention I am the receptionist, sales person, secretary, and accountant and at times it brings on way too many stresses. As an avid organizer and one who excels in structured environments, this has been the happiest place for me many, many times. But today, I am at a crossroads. Business has suddenly diminished, probably economy related, and I least like having to go dig up clients. It was going so smoothly when they just flocked to me, but now it looks like I have to put on my marketing hat and that’s too much work. To satisfy my artistic hunger, I fill my time with photography, although that has become stagnant lately, mostly due to me putting pressures on myself to produce better and better work. It was easier when I loved anything I photographed and I didn’t have anything to compare it to. Now, I judge myself against others like I’ve done everything else in my life and I know it will ultimately destroy me. That’s why I’ve been trying to keep it light and loose and not be too hard on myself, since photography is a hobby and not something I plan to pursue. It’s hard enough for me to market my livelihood, let along a hobby. And then filling a great deal of my time now is getting healthy and fit. A lifelong obsession with health and wellness, I’ve read countless books and websites on weight loss, health, environment, vitamins, nutrition, ahhhhhhhh … So you can see I may be burning the proverbial candle at both ends, with so much to do . . . marketing, learning, improving, . . . and getting over this ligament back issue. Sometimes there’s so much to do, I just want to do nothing and that makes sense, because when you’re overwhelmed you’re just doing it to get it done and never producing anything of quality. I think most of all, I need a change of scenery, a location jaunt, a mini-vaca, a breath of fresh air … a pet.

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